(no)air

pretty soon renovation works are going to start in this apartment and i will have no place to live let’s all take a moment to pray that my grandma will have the heart to give me a bed to sleep in at her place (=next door)

if the weather does not improve quickly i might need an extra dose of antidepressants because this grey sky is really pulling me down

possible answers to a text i got from my “best friend” who disappeared from my life for more than 6 months (knowing i was having a pretty shitty time) asking me to go see gatsby as if we saw each other yesterday for the last time:
- are you kidding?
- vaffanculo
- you’re still alive?
- not if you were the last person on earth
- vaffanculo

i’ll probably opt for vaffanculo. i guess.

i have to attend my cousin’s communion tomorrow and I just realized that the dress I want to wear is completely transparent so maybe not 100% appropriate to wear to church. then I realized 90% of my clothes are either transparent or inappropriate. and my mom said i can’t wear jeans, nope, she wants me to look “girly”, please. I am looking through my closet since almost a hour and there’s nothing in there a priest and my mom would approve, I can’t make them both happy so I decided I am pleasing my mother tomorrow (that means I will burn in hell, but whatever)

i want to cry.
the baby bird i found yesterday that is sleeping in my hand as i write is handicapped and we have to put him to sleep because he can’t stand nor fly i am so sad he is so determined to survive but nature was so cruel to him and decided he can’t. but why.  i am so sad.

my bestest friends are both in town for 3 days only and i have only today to meet with them and i am on my period so my emotions are multiplied x1000 and everytime this baby bird cries and wants me to stroke his head i jus can’t think i am going to kill him within a few hours

yesterday my therapist wanted me to go to her studio to meet a “troubled 14 year old girl” and talk to her. 

it’s been really interesting. i told her about my experience, and how i was so stupid when i was 14, cutting myselfand throwing up anytime i ate something.
she was pretty hesitant at the start but then she probably trusted me eventually because she started telling me everything about what she was going through and then she also showed me all of her cuts. she is literally destroying her body. it was really strange seeing that and reflecting myself in that girl. i was that girl. god only knows how many times i’ve fucked during my teenage years. i felt so old and mature telling her “don’t do that, you’ll regret it” but at the same time i was thinking “who you think you’re fooling? you’re still that girl sometimes, you feel like her and feel like destroying yourself, only you don’t”

i think the secret about life is to find something that you can do to push out the pain from yourself when everything is just too much. destroying what destroys you, without destroying yourself. i don’t know if i have found a way, but knowing that self harm is NOT the right thing to do is already a big step forward.

I’m applying to university for the 4th time in my life let’s hope this is going to be the last one so please wish me luck

i don’t know wether i should read some more fahrenheit or draw cats these decisions are the hardest because what i actually would love to do is play candy crush while watching a movie in my bed.

i want to throw a gatsby themed party so bad, like, for my birthday i should do it but then again, i hate people so i would end inviting only…penny. which may note be a person but it’s the only living creature I tolerate these days.

after six years I still do the same dream where you’re alive and still fighting against your cancer and we are together and still hoping you can win it. six years is a lot of time, and still everytime I don’t want to wake up from such dreams.

It’s not gonna be a good day today.